To be fair I will start with a guitarist joke first. Enjoy....
Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.
Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
A: 1.) I am not too loud! 2.) I have already turned down!
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Q: "Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"
A: "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
Q: What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter
through the kitchen?
A: A musician.
Q: Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the
other one doesn't have any money either.
Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?
Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q: What do you call a person who plays every instrument?
A: Eric (Ear-
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A: The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Q: What did the bass player get on his I.Q. Test?
Q: How many vocalist's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just steal someone else's light.
Q: How do you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Q: Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a vocalist when I grow up."
A: Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car?
A: He had to break the window to get the bass player out.
Q: What were the drummer's last words?
A: "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote.
Q: Did you hear about the drummer that could play a steady beat?
A: Me neither.
Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A singer
Q: What do bass players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How's a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one but better without!
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
The stages of a musician's life:
1.) Who is (insert name)
2.) Get me (insert name)
3.) Get me someone who sounds like (insert name)
4.) Get me a young (insert name)
5.) Who is (insert name)
Q: How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?
A: The knock speeds up.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They have machines to do that now.
Q: What do drummers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a lead vocalist change a light bulb?
A: He just holds on and the world revolves around him.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who should you ask directions from: an out-
A: An out-
Q: How many union roadies does it take to plug in an amp?
A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?
...and finally I will also end with a guitarist joke, again to be fair to all
he other instruments.....
Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at 'em
Translations: by the great Steve Morse! Buy all his CD's while your at it!
I got it in one take. (Translation: I got it after spending all day in the studio.)
2p.m. rehearsal. (Translation: 4p.m. Rehearsal.)
That guy can only play fast and he has no emotion. (Translation: I can't play
Hey guys, I'll be back to finish practicing after I get some pizza (Translation:
See you tomorrow.)
That guy is totally boring (Translation: I wish I could get my guitar to sound
Last night I had to drive the whole way myself (Translation: It was a 50 mile
Hey guys, I figure it's time we started playing some of my songs, too!
(Translation: I'll be fired shortly.)
It's only five sets each night. No problem. (Translation: The last guitarist in the
band went nuts.)
The record is not selling well (Translation: This is the only music-
phrase that does not require translation.)
If you don't think I'm going such a great job managing your career, then just go
get someone else! (Translation: If you read your contract carefully, you'll see
that I've got you by the balls.)
The soundboard just crapped out on me (Translation: The reason your mic was
off is that I forgot to un-
It'll sound a lot better when the people come in (Translation: Soundcheck is
The club owner said he'd provide a ride for us back to our rooms (Translation:
call a cab.)
The club owner said we had a good night and he wants us back (Translation:
The club owner must be new to the business.)
The club owner said he lost money, but he wants us to come back on the next
trip (Translation: The club owner made good money and is not new to the
It's a routing date. It's right on the way to your next gig (Translation: It's going
to pay less than your expenses for that day.)
It's the hottest club in town. There's always record-
checking out new bands (Translation: You're going to pay to play)
You'll be playing for a percentage of the door (Translation: Keep the guest list
down to a reasonable number so you can buy gas to get home)
Improvising (Translation: Finding a way to fit all your equipment in your mom's
car after your van breaks down.)
I just have a few names for the guest list (Translation: I just have 25% of the
capacity of the gig to put on the list.)
So, I hear you guys are playing in town tonight (Translation: How many people
can I put on your guest list?)
Hey man, long time no see. I was just calling to check in after not talking to
you for the last couple years (Translation: How many people can I put on your
Let's just try another take (Translation: That take was fine, but I think we're
supposed to do a lot of takes for some reason.)
Digital just doesn't work for rock and roll. It changes the sound too much.
(Translation: Digital reproduces the sound too much like the way you played it.)
I must have written at least 50% of every song on the album and I never even
got a songwriting credit! (Translation: Once when I dropped by, they were
trying some new material and I said it sounded cool)
Spinal Tap wasn't a funny movie at all. (Translation: I've lived the entire story.)