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To be fair I will start with a guitarist joke first. Enjoy....


Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?


A: Put sheet music in front of him.


Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?


A: Pay for the pizza.


Q: What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?


A: 1.) I am not too loud! 2.) I have already turned down!


Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?


A: Gifted.


Q: "Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"


A: "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."


Q: What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter

through the kitchen?


A: A musician.


Q: Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the

other one doesn't have any money either.


Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?


A: Deaf!


Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?


A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.


Q: What do you call a person who plays every instrument?


A: Eric (Ear-ache)


Q: What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?


A: The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.


Q: What did the bass player get on his I.Q. Test?


A: Drool.


Q: How many vocalist's does it take to change a light bulb?


A: None. They just steal someone else's light.


Q: How do you tell if the stage is level?


A: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.


Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?


A: Homeless.


Q: Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a vocalist when I grow up."


A: Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."


Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car?


A: He had to break the window to get the bass player out.


Q: What were the drummer's last words?


A: "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote.


Q: Did you hear about the drummer that could play a steady beat?


A: Me neither.


Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?


A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.


Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?


A: A singer


Q: What do bass players use for birth control?


A: Their personalities.


Q: How's a conductor like a condom?


A: It's safer with one but better without!


Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?


A: Shoot one.


The stages of a musician's life:


1.) Who is (insert name)


2.) Get me (insert name)


3.) Get me someone who sounds like (insert name)


4.) Get me a young (insert name)


5.) Who is (insert name)


Q: How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?


A: The knock speeds up.


Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?


A: None. They have machines to do that now.


Q: What do drummers use for birth control?


A: Their personalities.


Q: How does a lead vocalist change a light bulb?


A: He just holds on and the world revolves around him.


Q: If you were lost in the woods, who should you ask directions from: an out-

of-tune bass player, and in-tune bass player, or Santa Claus?


A: An out-of-tune bass player. The other two indicate that you were



Q: How many union roadies does it take to plug in an amp?


A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?


...and finally I will also end with a guitarist joke, again to be fair to all


he other instruments.....


Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?


A: Laughing at 'em


Translations: by the great Steve Morse! Buy all his CD's while your at it!


I got it in one take. (Translation: I got it after spending all day in the studio.)


2p.m. rehearsal. (Translation: 4p.m. Rehearsal.)


That guy can only play fast and he has no emotion. (Translation: I can't play



Hey guys, I'll be back to finish practicing after I get some pizza (Translation:

See you tomorrow.)


That guy is totally boring (Translation: I wish I could get my guitar to sound

like that.)


Last night I had to drive the whole way myself (Translation: It was a 50 mile



Hey guys, I figure it's time we started playing some of my songs, too!

(Translation: I'll be fired shortly.)


It's only five sets each night. No problem. (Translation: The last guitarist in the

band went nuts.)


The record is not selling well (Translation: This is the only music-business

phrase that does not require translation.)


If you don't think I'm going such a great job managing your career, then just go

get someone else! (Translation: If you read your contract carefully, you'll see

that I've got you by the balls.)


The soundboard just crapped out on me (Translation: The reason your mic was

off is that I forgot to un-mute it)


It'll sound a lot better when the people come in (Translation: Soundcheck is



The club owner said he'd provide a ride for us back to our rooms (Translation:

call a cab.)


The club owner said we had a good night and he wants us back (Translation:

The club owner must be new to the business.)


The club owner said he lost money, but he wants us to come back on the next

trip (Translation: The club owner made good money and is not new to the



It's a routing date. It's right on the way to your next gig (Translation: It's going

to pay less than your expenses for that day.)


It's the hottest club in town. There's always record-company people there

checking out new bands (Translation: You're going to pay to play)


You'll be playing for a percentage of the door (Translation: Keep the guest list

down to a reasonable number so you can buy gas to get home)


Improvising (Translation: Finding a way to fit all your equipment in your mom's

car after your van breaks down.)


I just have a few names for the guest list (Translation: I just have 25% of the

capacity of the gig to put on the list.)


So, I hear you guys are playing in town tonight (Translation: How many people

can I put on your guest list?)


Hey man, long time no see. I was just calling to check in after not talking to

you for the last couple years (Translation: How many people can I put on your

guest list?)


Let's just try another take (Translation: That take was fine, but I think we're

supposed to do a lot of takes for some reason.)


Digital just doesn't work for rock and roll. It changes the sound too much.

(Translation: Digital reproduces the sound too much like the way you played it.)


I must have written at least 50% of every song on the album and I never even

got a songwriting credit! (Translation: Once when I dropped by, they were

trying some new material and I said it sounded cool)


Spinal Tap wasn't a funny movie at all. (Translation: I've lived the entire story.)




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